Tuesday, November 16, 2010

new york new york!

So after a long grey morning full of dark and brooding, early morning subway rides, consulting maps and hectic last-minute decisions; after all morning staring into the empty faces of men and women on working day commutes full of humdrum sighs and uninterested glances; after being lost and impatient and lost again (the only redeeming moment of which was an accidental overground passage into Queens and seeing the sun rise on graffiti’d tenements); after finding the Bryant Park and the New York library closed, which led to more mismatched underground rides and sore sandal-feeting through floursescent tunnels in the midst of one big impatient hurry; after all this, finally coming up at 116th by Morningside Park, finally breathing fresh air in fresh space with healthy joggers bikers women and babies in strollers weaving in and out of giant old elms and live oaks on paved pathways.

Strolling like a visitor through the great corridors of Columbia University on Amsterdam avenue, feeling the great weight and tradition of historic and entrenched Academia, and now here comes the Field Hockey team in thier blue suits, pony tails, heavy bags on shoulder straps all passing by to climb into the big and idling game day bus.  And here come around freshly pressed slacks and business-suited, clean shaven boys (the sons of politicians in their youth primes unknowing) walking around clique-like across immaculate green lawns through the grand pavilion full of history and the buddings of society, and everything happening in the shadow of the old Parthenon-looking Library,  and lounging on her massive steps.  Strolling eventualy down Broadway with no agenda at hand but stumbing into, and realizing here it is what I've been after all of this time and worth the wait, stumbling now into

“Tom’s” restaurant here for 25 years they say: the busy plate-clinking group chattering kitchen steaming commotion throb of the city’s timeless heart.  Everything loud and going going to the Saturday morning drum-time – regulars and dark coffees, teas and scrambled egg plates with big Italian sausages and extra plates for toast softly crunch butter spread.  A big colorful room about living room size with newspaper clippings adorning the walls, long rows of table and booth down the center and every single one full with students, families, you name ‘em’s, with the breakfast bar on one side, big plate glass front window looking out onto the street from where I came and the window to the kitchen in the back where three or four cooks go busily at their tasks – and the whole place warm and merry, close packed and bursting with excited morning optimisms.

I sit next to an older woman at the breakfast bar, rapt with attention at her copy of the “Wall Street Jounral” until Louis (apparently manager/server/father of the joint, striding an easy 6’ tall with big barrel chest, thick dark hair and well kept beard and wearing a soft scowl like he really knows everyday secrets between creased cheek folds and deep inside Apron pockets) until Louis comes over and slides a plate of bacon eggs toast right underneath her.  She looks up startled, looks from Louis to her plate and back up to Louis again, says “Louis what is this?  Does this look okay to you?” holding up her bacon slightly uncooked.  And Louis retorts “Ah!  Of course it’s OK what do you think: Louis wants to get you sick?  Eat the food!” and goes on about his business chuckling to himself.  But lady persists, “Louis I just don’t know I mean, you could’ve left it on a little longer or at least I don’t know maybe -” and Louis has had enough, snatches the bacon straight out of her hand on his way back into the kitchen lamenting to himself “Ah Margie never likes it how I cook it never good enough eh?  What am I gonna do with this woman?  Jackie what do you think?  This bacon isn’t bad you think?”   And so on he goes chuckling and mumbling to himself and cracking jokes at every customer he comes across.  And every customer he comes across says “Ey!” and “Ay, Louis!”

Now from outside comes old Saul sauntering in with grey curly hair draped in a trenchcoat and shuffling in on 70 year old legs, says “Ay!  Everyone is here today the whole crew eh?  Gahaw haw haw…” and settles into his seat.  Louis slides this old fatherly figure a coffee with cream like probably has done so many times before.  A few minutes go by and soon I watch as, during a brief pause between taking orders and general running’s-around, Louis comes over to the end of the counter and leans one hand there like he probably has done so many times before (and I think must be a worn groove of the eternal hand there in the marble bar like the smooth stone of St. Pete’s toe in Rome rubbed clean from a-million adoring visitors) and stares out the window at the passerbys; stares at the shop across the way, at the unusually fine fall weather and all of the noted normalcy’s on Broadway street he recognizes so well.

He stares silently like this out the window and I think he'll stay there all morning until suddenly the old doorman (who earlier seated me here at the bar next to this woman) yells across the room in his native greek tongue about something or other important and directed at Louis.  I turn my attention back to Louis and actually watch as his mind pulls itself from the deep recesses of it’s mad reverie; and only after a minute passes can he issue some half-discernible reply to the old doorman.  But the doorman persists and now another server, Joe – like Louis but smaller both in personality and physical stature – gets involved from the other side of the bar and pretty soon all three are arguing merrily in quick Greek phrases and word gestures, anticipating each other as only age-old co-workers can know.  And all the while I’m trying to imagine what they are talking about though it doesn’t matter, and suddenly it ends with all three throwing their heads back in laughter and turning mindlessly back into their respective job routines, throwing glasses and taking orders and wearing well fitted white polo shirts and identical hats, all the while refilling coffees teas ice-waters and whatever else’s.  


Monday, November 1, 2010

Mr. October


You are somehow here brother or at least

you should be,

somehow brought us here

and somehow never leave.

 

The house is all a buzz with

big bass booming, cymbal crashing

atmosphere, upturned stereos,

screams and name callings, hey!  HEY!

tackles and shoulder hugs grabbing arms while

fresh stove scents come breeze-wafting

through hallways, worn-in cozy

blankets, pillow sheets and

backpacks, shoulder bags, shoes all a scatter

in the mismatch chairs sit jackets hats

on hardwood indoor autumn floors.

(silly to think so many other living rooms

hip and clean and miss the point).

 

Sit me down and look at you,

look at you so healthy friend, all woven together

by familiar faces in a fine-knit as your are,

with the simplest, most comfortable,

half full stomach, half drunk mind,

just got warm and glowing smile –

grew new bark around your pain and

learned to be a child again.

Tell me how the summer when...

 

Meanwhile out the windows a

December dusk is glooming,

seems to say “it’s dark out here and cold,

the year is growing old…”

Hardly would an ear to hear in

warmth of lamplit corners glow.

Monday, October 18, 2010

jacket weather

yesterday morning had my first real cold weather run.  it is perfect fall here right now.  same lake I've been running around all summer and same trees there in their same places.  almost painful taking in full breaths of sharp morning air, eyes dry, hands stiff and numb, but full body awake and ready to go any direction quick, jump over anything.  and I hadn't thought about it since, but was suddenly reminded of running around the elementary school track in SE Portland last fall, and one day especially when it began to snow and every lap I took left new snow prints in the same lane, pulled tight the drawstrings on my hood and followed myself around a few times.  and on the heels of that one, similarly reminded of a river-side run I took one morning in wichita exactly two years ago, even colder then and the trees already gone leafless, pausing in the middle of a red plastic walking bridge that spanned the water, and coming across a makeshift homeless shelter underneath one fallen tree on one remote stretch of river-bank.

static exhibitions where downtown weaverville storefronts boast big bails of hay scarecrow and pumpkin arrangements, telephone pole adds for the corn maze and the autumn festival and I have been here half the year.  still waiting for the call to say I won the fall raffle at the middle school fair, from the little girl with bundle of tickets and said I had a good chance.  friends coming in from all corners of the states to swing on our back porch in front of the fire and look at our stars and bump into each other while crossing through the kitchen.  everyday is a birthday and everyday is peak season, talked to an older lady at work yesterday who told me she had been here 14 years and had seen "many beautiful falls".  sports in full swing and I'd even watch baseball maybe.

of all the seasons more of a return to the regular, a settle me down for school, for work and for the winter.  a reminder that all of life is not free breeze summer and that hard work is on the way, that what used to be new will soon freeze over and the innate drive to persist, because one way or another and whatever you planned, this is the winter that you got yourself into.  pause to judge everything around you and up till now, and concluding finally that it isn't so bad, and actually if you put it that way I see it's all pretty good.  time for the travels and time for the hostings, and the always maybe next year...

Friday, September 24, 2010

vision of a waitress

Something about here alone at the table feeling that all too familiar lost in the universe or a quiet small town cafĂ© on a main drag somewhere out in America that defines me, and telling it to a coffee cup.  The sole patron of westward spaces. Here at the table where I vaguely remember being before in another familiar life.  And watch the movies play while family friends brothers and lovers come and go emptying and filling chairs in a time-lapse sequence.  Even see memories of me on the sepia screen, birthdays family Sundays Friday night ballgames and fancy date dinners, from somber goodbyes to excited celebrations all along the Table spectrum.  Where every original thought was ever concieved or scribbled, where every group of officers sat and discussed the mornign agenda, where every set of grey-haired women ever gathered on a Monday morning to reconfirm the doctrines of goodness and change, where every group of bearded intellectuals met promptly to parley on the metaphysical makeup of God and meaning, where every seeking individual ever mused upon the watershed.   And always somehow this table the constant in a world of variables.  See now the gone tablecloth over rough plastic table with three good legs and one seen better days; the gone steel/plush chair with foamy rip right down the center that screeks across the linoleum; and either in the dusky morning or the waning early evening always – on the road from west to east coming together; the sad triumphant triumverant of knife fork spoon hastily wrapped in synthetic napkin and rolled up next to the plate; the blinking fluorescent lights illuminating street signs license plates stop lights and famous framed dollar bills; the big hairy dark haired chef slapping cold eggs onto a sizzling frying pan in the back there, sprinkling this and that and sandwiching hot butter inbetween two triangles of processed white toast; and the meat - big sizzling sausages rolling around over hopping bacon jumping grease and thick ham slabs getting warm too; big coffee pots always a-brewing in eternal rotation decaf or non sugar spoon and creamer nine sugar packet types to choose from neatly.  Something to do with me here temporary and the gone motherly waitress destined to stay and offer eternal wayward kindness to all the passers-through.  See her coming my way now with a world of trouble on her brow and a load to bear,  the greatest American novel still yet (and always) unwritten is the story of her 42 ordinary years, and yet she brushing all these aside to smile and motherly flirt while proudly scooting loaded plate underneath my chin as for child and great big mug of steaming coffee with plastic coke glass of ice water cubes floating against each other in there.  “Anything else, hun?”  Leaves me alone with great anticipatory thoughts of food and open distant thoughts of the road what has been and what will around the bend.  And when it’s all said and done she exchanges me a check for the empty greased plates and cold quarter full coffee mug which now she cradles deftly on one arm back into the bowels of the kitchen.  I pay with crumpled cash and out the plastic door causing the bell to ring, into car or truck or van and back across the black tar pavement streams to rivers to freeways and always abiding the law of the yellow lines as if some safety there inbetween, headed home or otherwise.  And later tonight, out the very same plastic door where eventually my waitress (double shift today and another on the way) turns out the lights, hastily flips around the open/close sign, sweetly says goodnight to the last customer while stacking chairs on top of tables to sweep before walking home by streetlamp to fall asleep with tired hair down still apron'd in the living room chair and dream about the good old days and all the worrisome days to come.  

Friday, September 10, 2010

the day hike scene

Sitting atop Craggy Pinnacle and the sun creeping behind me feel it's warmth.  Almost 10am, took about two and a half, three hours from the falls; boy I's up early this morning...  Near four thirty or five snapped wide awake and thought "a hike it is!"  Up early refreshed seeing as how having nursed the bonfire to sleep not long after sundown the evening before.  Took a minute to stare into the ember constellations glowing, then into the tent for reading adventures by headlamp, then drifting off before the third song.  Anyway up in the cold quiet dark of moonlight and clear thoughts, down to the waterfall for fresh water filling cups and bottles all - all the while darting accusing headlight this way and that toward every night noise expecting hungry staring eyes watching.  And shhh the otherworldy sound of two owls conversing somewhere perched above.  Packing up camp as the sky begins to bright - no sun yet - just that ever subtle illumination of the world that goes unnoticed from minute to minute till suddenly you realize "oh!  the cows need a milking..."  Strung my rucksack in a tree and I was off uphill alive boots clomping blood pumping eyes wide and gaining elevation.  Over fallen logs through creeks and catching all cobwebs every few feet of trail calling all morning spiders.  Butterflies up with the sun lazy recklessly bumping into me no idea.  Recognizing different families of greenery living at different heights along the mountain.  Find me chanting mantras unknowingly bits of songs and lost conversations who knows where they come.  Moving always forward always higher and generally falling daze to the foot to foot trance, all the while wondering who's out there staring back.
And now, after all this, sitting atop the Eastern United States - out of food, low on water and ready for a sun-nap such as these rocks of ages must be so accustomed.

Monday, September 6, 2010

working draft




I believe much more freely than I disbelieve.  I am quicker to agree than otherwise.  There is nothing I won't question, and nothing I will assume.  I could care less about proving or disproving, only wish to incorporate.  Everything I have ever learned has been the same lesson in different words.  Mysteries never last, but stories persist.  The greatest danger in the world is habit.  Habits are close cousins of Rules, and repetition will eventually ruin anything.  You might mistake my belief in all things for disbelief.  

I do not miss the days gone, or wish that tomorrow would come sooner; I wish to be here.  I have not been worried since I stopped worrying.  Everything has immeasurable beauty in it, and humor too.  I do not understand what it is to be bored, and couldn't be lonely if I tried.  I knew it before I was told.  You might mistake my self-reliance for selfishness.  

I could care less where you came from, or what other people say about you; I am concerned only with who you are.  I am not who I used to be, and do not assume that you are either.  I do not ask for forgiveness, because I have done nothing that needs forgiven.  Likewise, you have no business feeling guilty around me.  Nobody will ever understand you as well as you do.  In fact, no-one will ever know you, only relate.  And this is not sad.  I have a very big family, and we are all related.  You might mistake my love for all people as un-love.

In any case, do not take my word for it.


Saturday, August 28, 2010

cheap buys, guys!

here's a poem about the three hours of free time between the time you wake up and when it's time to go to work:

needs to write
needs to exercise
needs to write, read, eat, fight
right now
needs money like a blue sky -
cheap buys, guys!
dollar thrill bills on friday nights

monday wednesday doomsday
will there be work on the worn horizon?
work for the weary?
work for the ready-bodied?
the fiery eyed and the ocean gazers?
the pony-tailed pontificators?
the bearded, the bedraggled,
the me's and the you's (but who's counting?)
still, the squirrel outside my window 
keeps busy, peanuts and pay-corns

sunday afternoon and
outside the blinding window
"howl, howl" says the dwindling wind
"who?" says the azure void, "says who?"
"please" I says
say us how to bloom and spare us your truth
last thing this generation needs is a name
's a tired old game
used to have a dream
then I went sane

here's the solution
says I, to me, softly:
uproot away from it all
start over simple-handed
learn the flowers, learn
heart is hidden 'neath the uncut sky...
"hasn't worked yet," says the optimist
"hasn't ever worked," says the yawning dusk
"hurry up!" says the due bill
"All-A-Buzz!" does the conductor
("grumble, grumble, grumble")

maybe we are
nothing but smarty-ants
bee-lining towards workaday
till one day
queen bee goes missing
takes her money to the bank and
leaves us constellation fishing,
"be back in 10 to 15"